President Biden Proposes Replacing Hyde Amendment with "Hydra Amendment"
POTUS pontificates in Bologna Day speech: "Hail Hydra"
In his continued and unswerving devotion to the American people, the estimable, honorable, and venerable President Biden has reaffirmed his intention to both repeal the Hyde Amendment and replace it with what he is calling the Hydra Amendment.
During a press conference awkwardly scheduled on National Baloney Day1 (October 24), Biden said, “Why call it ‘Hydra’? Well, because it looks like ‘Hyde,’ so no one will even notice the change. Besides, the international organization Hydra has helped advance the fields of science and technology, which is exactly what I’m trying to do.”
He paused, glancing down at his notes and whispering, “Hail Hydra.” Looking back up, he continued: “I am determined to push legislation that will require the use of only scientific terms in the abortion debate.”
First, Biden proposes that fetal children should be referred to as “fetuses.” “A product of pregnancy is neither a human nor a baby,” he said. “Science must be the determining factor here—not our emotions or personal preferences. Let’s stick to the facts, people! Our nation’s rich history illustrates how certain people groups aren’t fully human until the United States government says they are.”
According to the proposed Hydra Amendment, popular terms and phrases related to pregnancy will need to be adjusted. Expectant mothers should have “fetus showers,” not “baby showers.” Photos of pregnant women should be labeled as “fetus bumps,” not “baby bumps.” During ultrasounds, OB-GYNs should refer to “the fetus” (or “clump of cells,” or “parasite”)—not “the baby.” Such changes, says Biden, are “simply common sense.”
Second, Biden has proposed verbiage changes for when a fetus passes through the magical birth canal: “Instead of using ambiguous terms like ‘newborns’ or ‘infants,’ we will require the scientific distinction ‘neonates’ be used,” he said. “I mean, come on. Neonates haven’t earned the right to be called babies either. They don’t even have enough hair worth sniffing. In their early stages, they deserve only the most clinical and impersonal terminology we have at our disposal.”
The Hydra Amendment’s proposed changes to the cultural vernacular include updated phrases like “neonate blues,” “neonate face,” and “cry like a neonate.” Parents are encouraged to use scientifically accurate terms when posting neonate pictures to social media, and to expose their progeny to appropriately worded cultural works, including revised songs like “Neonate Shark” and “Rock-A-Bye Neonate.”
Additionally, several iconic movie titles and related materials are looking at an upgrade. “I love Rosemary’s Baby,” Biden said, “but we’re pushing for the film to be retitled Rosemary’s Neonate. And wait until your kids get to watch the soon-to-be-retitled The Boss Neonate. It’ll be even more hilarious. Another proposed alteration is one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s classic lines in Terminator 2, which might be changed to ‘Hasta la vista, neonate’—but we’re undecided there.”
The President went on to praise the impartiality of scientific classifications. “Science is great because it can’t be used to push philosophical or ideological agendas—not even slavery, eugenics, or the Holocaust. Science is impervious to political manipulation. It will help us use language more. . .”
He paused, squinting for several seconds while leaning toward his teleprompter.
“. . .goodly—er, gooder. Goodest?”
To set the tone for this new phase of the abortion debate, and to show how serious he is about his proposed changes, Biden has chosen to make a public example out of a well-known public figure: Britney Spears.
“There is much to commend about the Princess of Pop,” Biden said. “For instance, have you seen the cover photo of her new memoir? Yowza! But also, in that same memoir, she describes the termination of her pregnancy as ‘one of the most agonizing things I have ever experienced in my life.’
“To paraphrase one of her own songs, ‘Oops! She did it again.’
“All kidding aside, though: when you undergo a medical procedure on par with the removal of a dysfunctional kidney, science won’t allow you to use terms like ‘agonizing’—not unless your doctor literally tries cutting and dismembering your own body (which a doctor would never do to another human being). We won’t make any progress in our society if women like her insist on using feelings-driven language.”
Biden surprised his audience by pounding his fists on his podium. “I can’t tell you how strongly I feel about this!”
After an embarrassed chuckle, he went on: “Look, changing the way people talk sounds like a daunting task. But trust me. We’re talking about a handful of words here. This is change you can believe in. And together, we can finish this job. It’ll be easy—like taking candy from a neonate.”
During his second term, Biden said he will improve the way Americans talk about all aspects of life. He expressed plans to address other terminology changes in the near future—for example, changing “dog” to “canine,” “friend” to “symbiotic associate,” and “black licorice” to “crap.”
This is an updated version of a satirical post that originally appeared at capstewart.com.
Technically “National Bologna Day.”