Area Man Whacked in the Face by Emotional Woman was "Asking for It"
A satirical parable about unequal weights and measures
A local man was minding his own business on the corner of Fourth and Walnut, sporting a T-shirt with the words “If you dress like a slut you deserve to be raped,” and holding up a cardboard sign that read “Don’t make me go all Phinehas on you, Cozbi,” when a woman ran up to him from the other side of the street and bludgeoned his left eye with a wooden plank.
Police near the scene quickly apprehended the plank-wielding woman, who turned out to be the one and only Ima Star, a local athlete training for the Olympics.
Police also accosted the victim, who, despite his injuries, found himself barraged with questions like “Were you wearing this shirt when she attacked you?” and “How many Red Bulls have you drunk tonight?” and “Why were you protesting in a dangerous part of town?” and “Did you clearly state you didn’t want to be hit in the head?”
During the ensuing court case, which dominated local news, it was determined that, while Star did lose her temper, several other factors show how Plank-Eye Boy (as he is now called) contributed to the altercation:
He wasn’t wearing any protective gear, nor did he have any pepper spray on his person.
He didn’t dodge his assailant’s blows, nor did he fight back in the slightest.
He made no efforts to file a report with the police immediately after the incident.
His assailant had no way of knowing he actually wasn’t asking for an altercation.
Women are hormonally unstable, susceptible to sudden emotional outbursts (i.e., “girls will be girls”); given the inflammatory nature of his clothes and actions, what was he to expect from Star?
According to conventional wisdom, acting like an arse in public is an open invitation for others to open a can of Whoop-Arse.
Possibly the biggest reveal during the trial was that the victim had been in similar altercations before: once with an Irish barmaid, once with a Moulin Rouge Broadway cast member, and once with a trick-or-treater dressed as Jessica Rabbit.
Nevertheless, following closing arguments, the judge still found Ima Star guilty of non-consensual roughhousing, and sentenced her to 40 days in jail. In response, Star, who recently achieved a new national record for the fifty-yard dash, released this public statement:
I am grieved by how just one brief act of passion can tarnish your reputation forever. Neither I nor Plank-Eye Boy was thinking clearly that night. We both made horrible decisions. Quite frankly, I’m not sure how I will recover from the shame of it all. This will demolish my chances at the next summer Olympics. So many of my hopes and dreams are shattered. All this seems like a steep price to pay for an indiscretion that lasted a few short seconds.
Meanwhile, Star’s victim, who has suffered permanent eye damage (with splinters that have yet to be surgically removed), as well as PTSD, is recovering in an undisclosed location. He deleted his social media accounts after being repeatedly harassed for trying to exploit sympathy from the public. “Everyone knows you actually wanted to be hit in the face,” Twitter user AngerM4n4gement accused. “Why else would you have been wandering around full of Red Bulls, by yourself, at night, with such provocative accoutrements? Clearly, you were asking for a beating.”
After the verdict, one courtroom attendee told local news, “Plank-Eye Boy really needs to examine himself. There’s a parable I remember from Sunday school about not pointing fingers at others until you get the plank fully removed from your own eye. This dude obviously needs to take that advice.”